I feel like abortions should bother me more
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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