please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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