saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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