She went from zero to smokin in five shots
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
