Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
