The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My vagina just clenched in fear
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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