if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
