i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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