After last night, I could never be a politician.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You are the jesus of drinking
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
