Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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