The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
