I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
