Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
