I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
