OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
