she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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