Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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