Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
