i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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