i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize