I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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