you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
