I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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