Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
