All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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