I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
