it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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