sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
FUCK WHALES
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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