im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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