So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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