I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
