I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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