Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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