guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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