I puked a lego.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
