oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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