so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
