Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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