Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
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