Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
