He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
