I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
