I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
