I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Terrible idea I love it
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize