Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Randomize
