Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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