Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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