just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
