If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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