these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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