So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
