My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
