Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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