Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
