operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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