I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
