Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Is Oprah even human
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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