so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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