I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
