I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
