I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
